


Phil Lester : A Sinner

by rowan_e



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: 2020s, Acting, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Porn, Bittersweet Ending, But fun, Butt fun, Cheating, Dark, Depressing, Despair, Domestic, Drunk Sex, Emo, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Smut, Fetish, Friends With Benefits, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Heavy Angst, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm not funny, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Inspired by Music, LMAO, Love, M/M, Married Couple, Mental Anguish, Mild Smut, Near Future, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pain, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Poor Dan, Real Life, Relationship(s), Rough Sex, Sad, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Self-Hatred, Semi-Public Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Shameless Smut, Slow Burn, Smut, THIS IS HARD TO WRITE, Wall Sex, YouTube, enjoy, heart-wrenching, i think i am, idk why
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-13 14:34:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11187135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowan_e/pseuds/rowan_e
Summary: He never wanted this to happen, but life isn't always what you think it'll be.He never meant to hurt the one he loved, but Phil never ceased to surprise himself.He fucked up. Would you ever believe that Phil Lester himself would be a sinner?





	1. First a Mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyy ^-^ so if anyone read my last fanfic don't expect anything like it besides the dark theme (kinda)  
> This fanfictions gonna be so realistic and what not, but not what you'd expect. Won't give any more details, hope you guys like this!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/4GpTjzaxCC8q1kphRaARNm

_Was it weird to say the bed sheets didn’t smell quite right?_

 

10 years together, going strong and living life to it’s fullest, Dan and Phil in 2020. Youtube had been a huge part of their life and still was like always, but after they’d moved into a house they began getting many more offers in things that weren’t youtube, but it wasn’t until Phil received one for a small starting tv show that one of them were finally accepted.

 

Phil was nervous at first, he didn’t know how he felt about doing something on camera as job that wasn’t youtube. He still did youtube, but this project did take up quite a lot of his time.

 

It was small, not much going on at first, but soon enough he was at the studio filming practically everyday. Bloopers left and right, there was no way around it when Phil got along with the cast of the small show so well. He came home late often, sometimes he’d come home the next morning. Dan missed him alot, but he knew Phil was having fun and doing something he loved.

 

The youtube fans hated it at first, as they did with most huge sudden changes, but they came to love seeing Phil act on a TV show. So life was pretty perfect.

 

Phil was always hanging around the cast. There was Violet, George, Amy, Lucas, and Max. Max was Phil’s favorite, though he’d never admit that to the others. They got along surprisingly well, always hanging out and working on the scripts even way after filming. Life really was perfect, he had friends, two pretty amazing jobs, and a wonderful husband.

 

So then why didn’t the bed sheets smell quite right? In fact they didn’t right at all. Phil inhaled the smell of the bed sheets every breath he took. It burned his nose, and settled at the bottom of his stomach making him feel sick. He turned on his side, then on his back to stop smelling what was causing him nausea.

 

Phil opened his eyes, his eyesight blurry, looking at the white plain ceiling. He pulled his hands out of under the covers then stretched them out to grab his glasses from the nightstand beside his bed before he realized there were no glasses there. Cause there wasn’t a nightstand by his bed. Cause this wasn’t his bed. Cause his wasn’t his room, and that sleeping next to him wasn’t Dan.

 

It hit so hard it physically hurt Phil’s head. He sat up, panicked but slowly. Nothing was right, this must be a bad dream. There’s no way this happened. He looked around, nothing but a blur of colors, none of them showing signs to be his glasses.

 

“You looking for these?” an all too familiar voice said to the right of him. His stomach dropped to his feet. He turned and looked at the man next to him, he couldn’t make him out, but the voice confirmed what he’d suspected.

 

Max.

 

“Uh.. Yeah” he said, then reaching over and took the glasses from him, putting them on and everything became clear. The room was kinda messy, but when Phil saw his clothes on the floor mixed in with the small mess he felt a surge of vomit dare to leap up his throat, but never committing.

 

Phil needed to get home, he needed to get out, he needed to be anywhere but here. He slid out of the bed quickly and stood before pausing and remembering he was naked. His muscles were sore. He looked down at his body, it was red, mostly clean besides the surprisingly dark hickies on his inner thighs. No, there was no way this was happening. He hurried to the foot of his bed where his clothes were strung about, picking them up and sliding them on, making no effort to make eye contact with Max.

 

“You don’t have to act like this is such a horrible thing” Max said, not wanting Phil to be to hard on himself, but Phil wasn’t having it. He felt sick to his stomach, everything was spinning. This was really a thing that had happened.

 

Phil stumbled toward the door and stepped out of the room before realizing he was outside the apartment after just leaving what looked like the bedroom. Bedroom with a kitchen in it? Oh, he lived in a studio.

 

The fresh air smacked Phil into the hell that was his reality. The sun wasn’t out, it was somewhere hiding behind clouds. Everything was grey, a kind of day Phil usually liked, but at the moment it just seemed torturing. Phil walked, he was guessing where to go at first before realizing he knew where he was. Pretty close to the set.

 

_So they must’ve walked here._

 

Phil shivered. He started to walk back to the set, but on his way the phone buzzed. He looked down, seeing he’d gotten a text from Dan. He couldn’t read it, not yet he just wasn’t ready, but then he saw the missed phone calls and voicemails and wondered if Dan has already figured out what happened. He clicked play on the last voicemail received and held the phone to his ear while continuing to walk back to the set.

 

“Hey Phil, just calling again to see if your okay. Look i know you're busy being famous and all but i really miss you. I know you stay overnight sometimes but at least call me or text when you do? Something? Alright i’m done sounding like a needy girlfriend, come home soon, love you”

 

He had no idea. Phil’s heart glowed like a sinner at this thought. He really could just let this pass like it never happened. Why did anyone really have to know anyways, it was just a stupid one time thing that Phil would never do again.

 

He still didn’t have the heart to text Dan yet, his brain thinking through the ways to cover this up the best while walking before his phone vibrating again, another text from Dan. When he opened his phone he soon realized it wasn’t a text from Dan at all, but Max.

 

‘Hey Phil, could we talk about what happened?’ read the text. Phil felt like throwing up. How was he ever supposed to face anyone ever again, he didn’t even know who to blame. Truth be told, he didn’t even remember how it happened between them. He put his phone away and quickly kept walking until reaching the set, then from there calling a cab and getting out of there.

 

Once in the cab, he took a breather. This really wasn’t good, it was one of those things that you didn’t even know you were capable of until waking up in anothers bed. He shivered again, how could he? There was no excuse for what he’d done, but he knew if he covered it up and got over it no one would ever have to know, that was reassuring enough to stop the panic attack that was daring to wash over Phil.

 

The cab pulled up far too quickly for Phil’s liking. _Fuck._ He really had to face Dan now, something he just wasn’t prepared to do. He stepped out of the cab, paying and leaving a tip, then walked up to the front door of their house. They’d gotten a house just outside of London which had been thankfully close to the set, but now he wished it was miles away.

 

He pulled his key out then opened the door, assuming there was just no way around this. A sudden panic washed through him as he opened the door. He hadn’t taken a shower, what if he smelled like sex? He hadn’t even fixed his hair, or looking in the mirror what if there were hickies on his neck? This was all too late to check cause now he was in the house, the loud door closing behind him triggering Dan to come into the living room knowing he was home.

 

Everything was going in slow motion for Phil. This could be it, this could be the end of him and Dan. Was any of that really worth it? Panic possessed him as he let Dan react to the situation, but to his surprise, all he got was a smile. Dan’s smile always calmed him down, it was definitely something he needed right now.

 

“Hey love, i missed you” Dan said leaning in and kissing Phil then jumping back a bit. Fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck-

 

“Woah, were you drinking?” Dan said laughing a bit then shaking his head, Phil too stunned that everything was flying over Dan’s head.

 

“No wonder you look so bad, you got trashed. Well that’s fine, all that hard work you deserved a break” Dan said with a smiled then turned around, again Phil too stunned to even react.

 

“I’ll whip up some pancakes, looks like you could use a good breakfast” Dan said heading over to the kitchen and starting up some breakfast for him. Phil made eye contact with Dan and offered him a smile, not wanting to worry Dan, then turned away and went to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him then let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding in, looking straight into the mirror at himself.

 

“Holy shit” Phil said, shaking his head in disbelief. This was not happening. Something rang inside of Phil’s head making him need to sit down on the side of the bathtub.

 

“Woah, were you drinking _?”_ Dan had said. He’d been drinking.

 

_“To Wendy!” Phil and everyone else in the studio cheered, raising a glass of champagne to the air then to their lips._

 

_“Aww, thanks guys. I couldn’t have done any of this without you” Wendy said, smiling then running her hair through her chocolate brown hair. Wendy was the director and writer for the show, so as the show had just gone on season again, they were celebrating getting to work together once again._

 

_“Alright, well we’ve all gotten some great work done today. I’d stay and celebrate but I gotta get home, work on the scripts. You guys stay, have fun. I’ll have Lenny lock up after you guys” Wendy said waving to everyone saying goodbye, logging out then leaving._

 

_Amy walked up next to Phil to the table of food spread out for them, reaching past the food and grabbing the wine bottles someone had just opened and poured herself a glass. Amy was Phil’s sister in the show, so they’d grown close off screen as well._

 

_“You want some?” Amy asked with a smile, noticing Phil’s glass was already empty. He hadn’t planned on drinking a lot tonight, but everyone was having a lot of fun, and these were his friends that he genuinely liked being around so he smiled and nodded._

 

_“Sure” he agreed, letting Amy pour the red wine in his glass till it was full to the brim, then raising her glass and clinking it with Phil’s, both of them taking a drink after._

 

_The night progressed from there, everyone drinking, eating and talking like any good party. Phil had now made his way over to the studio balcony where Max was. Max was his best friend on the show, so it made being friends in real life really easy. They’d already gone out a few times as friends before, Phil bringing Dan along a few times. Dan loved that Phil was friends with everyone here, so it made them all seem even more like family._

 

_“Who knew work could be so much fun” Max said laughing a bit, making Phil laugh as well._

 

_“Yeah, it makes me realize like how lucky I am to work in acting and youtube and stuff. Working hours have never been a boring thing to me cause of that. Guess we’re really doing life right.” Phil said, leaning against the fence of the balcony like Max then taking a sip of his drink, then looking over and making eye contact with Max and smiling._

 

_“Well, cheers to us” Max said, both of them smiling and looking at each other, comfort setting in between them._

 

_“Cheers to us” Phil said, nodding a bit then letting his glass clink against Max’s before both of them taking a sip._

 

“Phil!” Dan called from the kitchen, snapping Phil back into reality. He stood up from the bathtub rim then left the bathroom, walking into the living room then the kitchen and seeing Dan putting the last pancake on the perfect little stack he’d created for Phil.

 

“Breakfast is served” Dan said with a smile, drizzling syrup on it then handing the plate to Phil. After taking it he stared at it a little before realizing he might not really be up for eating, but he’d try for Dan so he didn’t think something was wrong.

 

-

 

After eating Dan had gone to the office to film a video, leaving Phil alone in the living room. He felt a small burning in his chest and heart, but assumed it was nothing. He felt his phone suddenly vibrate in his back pocket, pulling it out and seeing another text from Max.

 

‘Come on we both made a mistake, the least you could too is try to talk about it so we can sort things out’ it read. Phil’s stomach slowly dropped and his blood started boiling, suddenly it was so easy to blame Max for all of this.

 

‘There’s nothing to talk about. Yes, it was a mistake, the biggest mistake i’ve ever made, and i’m never gonna do it again. Do we really need to talk about it?’ Phil said quickly, his heart suddenly racing. There was something giving him such a weird feeling when he sent this to Max.

 

‘There is, we have to see each other again Phil. Your like one of my best friends right now i kinda need you’ Max sent, Phil frowning at the screen then typing back as fast as his fingers could go.

 

‘Then you should have thought about that before what you did’ he sent then jumped when noticing Dan standing at the hallway to their office, his eyebrows raised.

 

“You okay?” Dan asked, seeing Phil all worked up while texting. Phil sighed then tossed his phone aside, only getting a glimpse of the last text which said something along the lines of how it was Phil’s fault too, seeing as it took two people to have sex. He knew that deep down inside, he was just angry. He nodded to Dan then stood, leaving his phone abandoned and quickly thinking of something to say to cover it up.

 

“Yeah i’m fine, just annoyed. I was asking Wendy for some time off filming hours and she said It wasn’t possible since i’m needed and they can’t push off filming any longer” he said, lying again to Dan. This was really getting out of hand.

 

“Oh, why did you want time off work? You not feeling well?” Dan asked and Phil bit his lip.

 

“Uhh, no i’m fine i was just uhm.. I was gonna take you out. It was supposed to be a surprise but i guess we’ll have to do it another time” he said, another lie surfacing.

 

“Aww that’s so nice, but it’s fine. We can just have a nice dinner here, plus i have a little skit i’m working on for youtube so i don’t know if i’ll have time for that either, but it’s a nice thought” he said, hugging Phil close and kissing his cheek. Phil felt sick, he didn’t deserve any of this. In the back of his mind he wondered what Max was saying, the phone vibrating a few times during the hug, but he pushed the thought away and enjoyed being next to Dan.

 

“Well i’m gonna go finish this up, maybe later we can watch some anime or something?” Dan offered, Phil smiling and nodding as Dan left the room, going back to the office to work on his youtube video. Phil missed doing youtube so often, he still did it but it was rare cause of the show now, but he had the longing to make one at the moment.

 

He tossed around some ideas before realizing a shower was something he really needed before the day ended, no way he was sleeping like this. He went into the bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror for quite awhile before taking his clothes off and tossing them aside, his eyes brushing over the hickies on his inner thigh. He winced looking at them, his skin burned when he touched them. He hated how he could still smell Max all over him, he needed to get in the shower now.

 

Before stepping in he noticed on his clothes a few markings. He picked his shirt up and saw a big but faint stain on the front of the shirt.

 

_“Fuck!” Max said, surprise mixed with intense laughter._

 

_“I’m so sorry, did it stain your shirt?” Max said, the laughter dying down as he looked closer at Phil’s shirt, the color not the most noticeable thing in the world but you could still see it._

 

_“It’s fine” Phil said laughing in a deep voice, Max shaking his head._

 

_“No way you’re getting a new shirt. Come on we can go to my apartment it’s super close” Max said putting his glass away. Drunk Phil saw no problem with this, so he laughed and nodded in agreement, waving bye to everyone that was still there (which wasn’t many people since it was fairly late) then leaving together in a stumbling fashion._

 

 

_Max put an arm around Phil’s waist, pulling them closer as they walked, mostly to keep them from falling. They weren’t just tipsy, they were intensely drunk. The walk to Max’s house was filled with loud dramatic laugher, slurs, and attempts at jokes._

 

_Max turned, pulling Phil along with them and opening the door and walking in. It was small, really small. The bed was in the living room and the kitchen was in the bedroom. The only thing separate was the bathroom off to the side._

 

_They let go of each other, Max stumbling off to grab a few things as Phil took it upon himself to inspect the room, giggling at things that made him laugh, making him laugh wasn’t exactly the hardest thing to do seeing as he was only 35% there. Eventually Max came back into the area then got Phil’s attention._

 

_“Okay so i found something for you to wear” he slurred out before Phil pulled his shirt off and tossing it aside. Max looked him up and down unintentionally, and suddenly the oura in the room changed. Phil stepped a little closer, biting down on his lip making Max’s heart race. Max put a hand on Phil’s chest, letting it very slowly run down his chest and stomach as they talked._

 

_“You’re still pretty dirty. You should probably take a shower” Max said as his hand reached Phil’s lower stomach, a warmth of pleasure bleeding across below Phil’s belt, but keeping himself together as did Max._

 

_“Yeah, a shower. Good idea” he said staying there and leaving the sexual tension in the air for a second before stepping aside and going back to the bathroom to take a shower._

 

The hot water ran down Phil’s back relaxing him enough to let all the bad memories leave his mind. Keeping this secret made it hard to relax, but this felt right. Every once in awhile his eyes trailed down to the marks Max had left on him, but mostly he tried to keep himself inside his mostly clean mind.

 

The day went on mostly the same, just conversations with Dan, time alone, having memories about last night, then carrying on with the day, but it wasn’t until the night that a feeling sunk in, a feeling that could’ve never gone away.

 

Phil was lying in bed, Dan on his right like always, sound asleep. Phil was usually asleep with him, curled up beside him, but tonight was different and he knew it. Laying in a bed just didn’t feel the same as it used to.

 

_Phil stumbled back into the room, a small giggle with each step he took._

 

_“Can’t find the- woah” Phil said, going to say something about not seeing a towel in there before tripping over something on the ground. Max went over there, attempting to catch his fall but failing horribly. Phil picked himself up, now face to face with Max who was to close to call innocent. Phil giggled._

 

_“We need to stop doing this” he said talking about all the flirting, though no regret in his voice whatsoever. Max returned the giggled._

 

_“Then let’s do this instead” he said before leaning in and pressing a kiss to Phil’s neck. He let out a sigh, the feeling of Max kissing his neck, going all the way up till he forcefully met his lips. It was soft at first, slow kisses, but surely they got deeper and more passionate, tasting every inch of each others mouths. It was a moment of pure sin before Phil broke the kiss, his body hating this idea but his mind getting in the way._

 

_“No, no i shouldn’t do this, it’s wrong” he said, his brain still working enough to know he could still take it all back, it wasn’t irreversible yet._

 

_“You’re right” Max admitted, both of their heads dizzy with sin. Max let his head drop before seeing an obvious ache in Phil’s pants._

 

_“But doesn’t it feel good?” he said, placing a hand on Phil’s bulge making him groan. It was always the first touch that sent chills up Phil’s spine. It didn’t take long after that for their mouths to reattach, clothes flying off piece by piece and both soon making their way to the bed._

 

_What followed was sinful, animalistic and needy. Phil forgetting about Dan, forgetting about everything they shared together and just focusing on breaking himself. He let it all go, pinning Max down and letting skin touch skin, letting each other explore one another before shamelessly fucking Max into the mattress, being relentless._

 

The memory played in Phil’s mind over and over as he laid next to his husband in bed. It was torturing, his fingertips and thighs sharing a numbing tingle every time he remembered the gritty details of cumming inside another man that wasn’t Dan.

 

It was shameful, but something inside Phil’s mind changed that night, something he couldn’t even realize at the time, no signs being showed besides the fact that he just couldn’t stop thinking about it. That was the first sleepless night for Phil, but not the last.


	2. The Redeemable Character

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil soon finds out that hiding his dirty little secret has unwanted side effects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, i'm super glad people really enjoyed my last chapter. I wasn't 100% sure i was gonna make this into a chapter kinda story but there's a lot more i wanna do with it so here i am lmao. Hope you like it
> 
> Also i made a playlist for the fanfic (like i did with my last one) it's just some songs that inspiring me to make the fanfic that you can listen to if you want. It's on spotify so you can just click the link to hear it. I'll be updating it and adding more songs along with the chapters i post.  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/4GpTjzaxCC8q1kphRaARNm

Nothing burns more then the eyes of another human, staring holes right in the back of your neck. It burned Phil’s soul, but he didn’t dare look. He focused on Wendy giving some short instructions, though it was more of a reminder cause they’d already gone over it. They were filming a small scene, they had been all day but Phil hadn’t been in most of them, so since it was his only job of the day he made sure to pay attention so he didn’t mess it up.

 

That was seeming almost impossible when Max was staring at him from behind. He knew he was. When Phil had first walked in Max went up to him, trying to talk to him, but it was something Phil couldn’t handle, so he did his best to ignore him.

 

Those instructions ended all too soon, and Phil had been listening to every word so intensely it didn’t even make sense. Perfect, all that didn’t matter anyways he always knew what to do. He’d never considered acting as a kid or anything, and though the little fake youtube skits didn’t exactly show it Phil had a surprising natural talent when it came to acting, so he usually shined here. He knew he could do great if he just didn’t think about Max, but the show made it kind of hard. 

 

Phil went onto the set, cameras being moved already and people getting into places. Phil went over to sit on the couch in the living room that was set up, mentally reciting his lines just in case he’d forgotten them, then taking a deep breath as Wendy counted down in the background then ‘action’ going off.

 

The door is opened by Amy at the front of the room, her walking in and sighing loudly then flopping onto the couch.

 

“Life sucks” she grumbled, leaning her head back and groaning loudly. 

 

“Wha-Lily? How’d you even get in?”

 

“My key”

 

“I really need to get those locks changed” Phil said in a joking manner.

 

“Lucas! I’m being serious! How am i ever gonna look at Jessie the same again?” 

 

“I don’t know” Phil said, looking like he had more on his mind.

 

“Oh come on don’t act like this isn’t bothering you, you really don’t care Jessie is all of a sudden dating your best friend? You and Alex are usually attached at the hip, have you even talked since it happened?” 

 

“It’s none of my business, why would i even be mad?” Phil said, a moment of silence while Amy shrugged leaving the sentence at a question.

 

“I have a few ideas why”

 

“I don’t even wanna know what you’re thinking.” he sighed then looked over at Amy. “Look i’m sorry if this is all upsetting you, really. If it makes you feel any better i’m sure this will all blow over in a week. I mean come on, Alex and Jessie? No way they’ll last” Phil said scoffing, Amy nodding in agreement 

 

“Yeah, you’re probably right. Thanks Lucas” She said before the camera slowly planned to the next set room where Max was, standing peeking into the living room, hearing everything ‘Lily’ and ‘Lucas’ were talking about, his face surprised and staying like so for a while before cut being called. Everyone left their places, all looking around for their stuff since that was the last scene being filmed for the day.

 

“Great day everyone, love all the energy let’s make tomorrow just as great.” Wendy praised in excitement. Phil smiled at that, he loved how happy she got about everything. He could imagine being a director, getting so giddy seeing your imagination practically come to life with what you work so hard to create.

 

“Will you talk to me now?” Max said, making Phil jump a little and turn around, stopped in his tracks on the way to grab his bag and keys. He sighed, frustrated with all the stress he was drowning in being around Max, being reminded almost every second he could’ve and still very well could ruin his entire life with Dan. 

 

“What. Just spill it, what do you even want?” Phil snapped, not caring enough to make Max stop insisting on talking to him.

 

“I just want a chance to talk things through. I’m sorry Phil, for every part i had in what we did, but you have to admit it wasn’t just me. Blaming me for it all alone is more then unfair.” Max said making Phil sigh softly. Max was right, and he knew it but it was killing him.

 

“Okay yes, fine, i did something right. I slept with you as much as you slept with me, now what? I don’t see how me saying that helps anything” Phil said, grabbing his stuff and maxing his way towards the doors, not wanting to be in the studio any longer then he had to be, no way he was gonna risk someone hearing them talk. 

 

“That’s not what.. You know what i mean. We need to get past this, you’re the only friend i have around here” Max said, pausing and looking around. Phil hated this, actually getting sad knowing Max missed him as a friend.

 

“How do you expect me to do that? I cheated on Dan, Max. He’s my everything and more, what the hell am i supposed to do I can barely look him in the eye.” Phil said, not knowing how to fix anything between them.

 

“Yes i know and i’m so fucking sorry. You and Dan are amazing together and i really enjoy hanging out with  _ both  _ of you. Don’t mess all that up just because of a stupid mistake we both made, wouldn’t you rather just let it all fall into the past and forget about it?” Max said, the two of them still out front of the show studio. Phil sighed, he hated that Max was right, Phil did want to just forget about the horrible things that went down that stupid night.

 

“I.. i guess. It’s just- hiding that from Dan makes me feel so bad. I’ve never kept something like this from him.” Phil said sighing, rubbing his forehead with a hand as if he had a headache.

 

“This doesn’t have to be the end of our lives. We can just forget it happened, okay? Maybe even make jokes about it someday like ‘haha you have pink boxers’” Max said making Phil laugh, hand still on forehead before picking his head up and making eye contact with him.

 

“You’re right. It’s gonna be hard probably but maybe we really can just push this behind us” Phil said seeing a taxi drive by before sticking his hand out to slow him down to a stop.

 

“I’m glad. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Max said, raising an eyebrow. Phil wondered for half a second why Max didn’t offer to split a cab before remembering he lived so close he could walk.

 

“Tomorrow” Phil confirmed with a smile before getting in the cab and giving the woman driving the taxi his address. He looked out the window as she drove by, seeing the city he loved so much with thoughts running through his mind. Maybe this could be easy, maybe he really could just go on about his normal life and forget any of this ever happened. Max sure made it look easy.

 

He was pulled out of his thoughts as the woman told him they were there. He smiled then handed her some cash throwing out a ‘keep the change’ in there before getting out of the car and heading to his door. He took a deep breath, pausing at the front door. He could do this, he could do this. He took his keys out and opened the door, walking into a warm, dim home with a candle smell. He smiled then looked around, finally seeing Dan at the kitchen cooking a meal. Dan swiveled around to see Phil then smiled, running over to him.

 

“Heyy you’re home.” Dan said, kissing him. It was a nice kiss, one he felt like he hadn’t gotten in years.

 

“It’s so nice to see you, honestly. I’m gonna head to the bedroom and put my stuff down” he said, not noticing a theme around the apartment quite yet. He headed to the bedroom of theirs and plopped his stuff down, pausing for a second feeling his phone vibrate. He picked it up to see he’d gotten a text from Max. He sighed, that didn’t make him feel good, but it didn’t exactly make him feel bad either. 

‘I’m glad we’re putting this past us. I was hoping we could hang out soon? Not doing acting stuff. The second we get comfortable with this is the second it all goes away’ the text from Max read. He had a point, Phil knew that, and in all honesty if he was okay with looking past all of thing and wanting to move on then he had to be okay with  being around Max alone again. As long as his intentions were clean. For a second Phil wasn’t sure if that last sentence was directed at Max or at Phil. 

 

He sighed, shaking his head a little then thinking of what to say back to Max before writing a quick response to him.

 

‘You’re right, and sure we can hang. Not sure when i’m free but we’ll make time’ he answered then tossed the phone aside, walking out into the living room then soon taking notice that Dan was setting something up.

 

“What’s all this?” Phil said, looking around seeing the lounge cleaner then usual and most the candles they owned lit around the room.

 

“Oh nothing i just thought we could have a little dinner here at home. You get home late a lot so it’s not everyday i get you to myself like this” Dan said smiling. Phil’s heart broke at this, all he wanted to do was be around Phil. How could he ever cheat on someone this amazing.

 

“This is so sweet Dan” he said, a soft pink touching his cheeks as he smiled and made his way to the dinner table. Dan went to the kitchen and finished up their food then brought it to the table.

 

They shared a meal, it was the most innocent thing Phil’s done in a while. They talked, it felt like they hadn’t in awhile. Phil liked remembering how lucky he was to have Dan, it wasn’t something he got to realize anymore. It was nights like these that made him consider quitting acting, sticking to what he knows best, Youtube. He was happy, but it was tonight that Phil would realize putting it all behind him wasn’t as easy as it sounded.

 

The dinner was done, all the food had been eaten and the married couple was now in the kitchen cleaning up the dishes. It was nice, and simple. Phil loved that, right? He heard Dan place his plate he’d been cleaning down then look over at Phil and smile, stepping closer and hugging him from behind.

 

“I love you so much, Phil” he said, a million dollar smile on Dan’s face. 

 

“I love you so much, too” Phil said, a tiny laugh following as Dan pressed his lips to the behind of Phil’s neck. Phil couldn’t help but blush for more reasons then one. His skin tickled and heart burned knowing someone else had kissed him there, and it didn’t make it any better thinking about while he continued. He turned Phil around and have him a proper kiss, making it long and passionate. Phil had one goal and it was to love this, enjoy this and think about Dan and only Dan. 

 

He switched places as quickly as he could, kissing Dan back and pressing him against the kitchen counter, a soft moan leaving Dan’s throat. He hoisted Dan up a little, his legs wrapping around Phil. He took the opportunity to grind their hips together, sinful noises leaving both of them. Doing something like this with Dan was a treat. They’d been together like this in so many ways there were no longer surprises, and that was usually a positive thing since Phil knew everything that could make Dan fall apart under him. Suddenly knowing those things weren’t good.

 

“Let’s go to the bed” Dan moaned softly making Phil go red. The bed. Oh no anything but the bed. He couldn’t, the bed meant no clothes. No clothes meant..

 

The hickies Phil knew were on his thigh burned more then they ever had. He ripped himself off of Dan in a sort of panic. Fuck fuck fuck.

 

“I uhm.. I can’t. Not tonight” he said, feeling the autosphere change and Dan’s heart drop. Phil wanted to crawl in a hole, he didn’t deserve Dan not even in the slightest. His wonderful husband had put together all of this and planned a special night for them, but all Phil was worried about was his new secrets.

 

“I’m not feeling up to it. I think my stomach hurts” Phil said seeing Dan get even more disappointed.

 

“Your stomach? Was it the food?” he asked, making Phil want to die.

 

“No! Nothing you did i think it was something i ate at the studio, not sitting right. Sorry” he offered an apology as him and Dan exited the kitchen, the heat officially gone. Phil felt all sorts of guilt right now, but all he could think of was Max and how because of being with him he couldn’t be with his husband. There were secrets now, and he couldn’t get past this as easily as he thought he was gonna be able to.

 

Dan was sweet the rest of the night, but Phil could tell he was hurt. Dan had never gotten mad at Phil for not being in the mood to have sex, same goes for the other way around, but since they’ve been together for so long and rarely had time for stuff like that anymore it was definitely a let down when it didn’t happen. After cleaning up for real this time, they watched some anime since they’d skipped out on watching it during to talk instead. When it was all done and over they retired to the bedroom like they usually did, but something was different this time, far more different then it’d been the day he woke in Max’s studio apartment. 

 

Phil stared at the ceiling in disbelief. Everything seemed distant and foreign and he knew everyone could tell. The Phil he knew would’ve never even considered the idea of cheating on Dan or anyone he was ever with, but here he was. There was something at the back of his mind pinching it and he wouldn’t let it take over. There was a burning between his thighs and a burning on his mind. Dan could’ve seen that, he would’ve seen the mark someone else had left on him in the midst of heat. His heart raced, but not in panic. What was happening to him? This wasn’t normal, he loved Dan and he knew he did but he couldn’t get it out of his mind. He had a secret Dan didn’t know about, he’ll always have it as long as Dan doesn’t know. Something about that felt unexplainable. 

 

Sleep came easy to Phil that night, no doubt, but the theme of his dream wasn’t the cleanest most purest thing in the world. He woke that morning in a sweat, not sure what anything in it meant. The only thing that was clear about the situation is that he wasn’t going to just be able to get over this. Not by a long shot. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it was kinda bland and maybe a little shorter then the last one, don't worry the next one will be packed full of that angsty shit you guys love lmao. Thx for reading ^-^


	3. Broken Doesn't Start With An 'M'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil finds out something he never wanted to while doing something he never thought he'd do again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha this was fun to write. Yeah i know it's kinda fucked up, but that's my specialty.   
> There's smut in this chapter, idk if it qualifies as 'good smut' but it's smut lmao. I'll do it better next time, it was just kinda hard to write, but it's super choppy and depressing for a reason. Phil isn't exactly 100% okay with what he's doing yet, so if the smut doesn't seem that detailed that's why.
> 
> Here's the fanfic playlist (i added some more songs enjoy) - https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/4GpTjzaxCC8q1kphRaARNm

It’d been awhile since the agreement between Phil and Max that everything was gonna go back to normal, and all Phil could confirm is that things for sure weren’t in the slightest back to normal. He didn’t know how he’d gotten this deep, but here he was. 

 

He and Max had hung out a few times, so it wasn’t insane for Phil to think things could go back to normal even at least a little. Phil was in the lounge at home now and unsure what to think about the last few nights he’d gotten through. They were sleepless hell to him, it hurt to even pretend sleep came easy. He’d just sit there and stare at the ceiling, no thoughts innocent. Phil couldn’t seem to get that night, that one fucking night, out of his head.

 

His phone went off, checking for a text he’d gotten from Max. They’d been texting back and forth, nothing wrong with that.

 

‘I love that Anime. Are you watching alone?’ Max had asked. Phil took a small glance around the room from instinct even though he knew Dan was on the other couch watching the anime with him. 

 

‘No, i’m all alone’ he answered. Why did he say that? He wasn’t alone, Dan was sitting right there, but it just didn’t seem like the right thing to say. He wanted to believe this was innocent. He wanted to believe he didn’t think about this constantly but he did. 

 

‘Aww i don’t want you to be all alone :( wish i was with you’ Max sent back making Phil’s heart clench. This wasn’t okay, he knew it wasn’t, but for some sick reason it only made him want to keep going. 

 

‘Wish you were here too’ he sent back. Dan was here.

 

‘Wish i could cuddle with you.. Maybe even touch you a little’ Max sent. Phil’s whole body heated up. Dan was literally right there. Every single word on text burned his skin and his mind. He read over it a million times, it seemed like every time he read it just fueled him even more. Maybe this was okay, maybe this way he could finally sleep again. Maybe he just needed some kind of closure from cheating. Maybe he could finally forget about it if he just gave himself this much, it  _ was _ just texting. 

 

‘What else do you want to do?’ Phil texted back, a new feeling prickling his thighs and lower stomach.

 

‘I’d kiss your neck then open my legs a little, let you do whatever you want to me’ Max sent. Phil’s cock twitched a little in his pants, but he ignored it, not like he had any choice.

 

‘You better stop talking this way. You’re making me think things i shouldn’t be in front of my husband’ he sent back. He couldn’t hate himself for egging this on. If texting would make all of it end, so be it. It’s not like he was really doing anything so it didn’t count, right?

 

‘Getting all hot and bothered, are you? Fuck, i really wish i could be there. Good thing i’ll be seeing you soon’ Max sent making Phil’s face almost go white. Max was right, he would be seeing Phil soon, they were filming today. Phil mentally cursed, he didn’t even consider the fact that they were gonna have to see each other face to face again, he didn’t even think when he was doing any of this, he just did it.

 

Phil decided not to answer Max and go back to the breakfast he was once eating, watching the anime with Dan.. still right there. He was so utterly fucked.

 

After breakfast Phil went off and got ready to leave as quick as he could. He couldn’t explain this feeling, he was excited, he wanted to get there and see what happened. He wanted to see Max, he wanted to see his secret. There was excitement buzzing in his head and guilt building up in his gut, nothing about what he was feeling was okay but he couldn’t even begin to stop it.

 

“Hey, where are you going? You haven’t even said bye” Dan teased, watching Phil rush around like he was almost panicked about getting out of the house. He leaned in and kissed Phil, it was short and sweet just to show him he loved him. Phil felt dizzy in the head, if he was sitting down his leg would be bouncing like crazy and he wasn’t one to normally do that kind of thing. What the hell was wrong with him?

 

“Sorry, i think i’m gonna be late soon. I love you Dan, gotta go bye” he said quickly, rushing out the door. Dan was a little weirded out by that, but he let it go for the time being. Phil needed to be in around 10:30 or Wendy would go mental since they needed to film enough for the week, but something left a sinking feeling in Dan’s stomach when he checked the time on his phone and it read 9:20.

 

Phil rushed out the door then up to the street, getting in the taxi he’d called before leaving. He took this time to take a deep breath and really think about this. He wasn’t okay with this, he had Dan, he loved Dan. He knew that more then anyone in the world did, but something in Phil was breaking, and the closer he got to the studio the less Dan seemed to be on his mind.

 

The entire morning had seemed to run at lightning speed, Phil rushing to get out, Phil rushing to get in the cab, Phil rushing to get out of the cab, but the second he opened the doors into the studio everything slowed down. He walked in, a gust of cool air conditioned wind blew past him giving him goosebumps. In here he was a different person, not just ‘Lucas’, but he was a different Phil. He was confident, happy and independent. It almost made all the wrong things he was doing seem right. 

 

Phil did a small look around, not seeing Max. Why was he even looking for him? An image of Dan popped in his mind once again and stayed there for as long as Phil could allow. He did a few turns before going to the changing rooms, heading for his, a few things he needed to do before filming on his mind. That was until he opened the door to his dressing room and found Max inside messing with a few things. It took Phil by surprise, but for some reason Phil couldn’t imagine being happier to see Max.

 

“Hey, what are you doing in here” Phil spoke up in a way that was obvious he didn’t actually mind. Max swiveled around from looking out the window then looked at Phil, a small grin on his face.

 

“Oh nothing, just waiting for you to get here, also going over lines” he said taking a seat on one of the benches in the room. This caught Phil interest.

 

“Lines? Cool, i’ll help you” Phil said opening some of the dressers in there and taking one of his script copies out, leaning against a wall near the bench Max was sat on, legs parted and only upper back leaning against the wall behind the backless bench.

 

“Thanks, uhh start at page 4 where your line starts.” Max instructed, Phil quickly turning to that page before speaking up.

 

“Don’t listen to her Alex, she doesn’t even know what she’s talking about. Plus, that doesn’t make sense. I’m mad because of one thing and one thing only, don’t try and turn this around on me” Phil said in the voice that matched his character.

 

“You were listening to us?” he said then paused for the part where Phil was supposed to hit his shoulder “Okay fine! Your mad, I know, but do you even have a right to be? It’s my life and as a best friend i really expected you to be more supportive of me”

 

“I usually am but Jessica? Come on nothing about that is right.”

 

“Nothing about it has to be right”

 

“If that statement was really true my life would be a whole lot different”

 

“What do you even mean about that”

 

“I- forget it”

 

“No wait! Phil i- Shit” Max said breaking out of character and into a laugh since he called him by his actual name, Phil laughing as well.

 

“Woops” Max said, clearly no intention of continuing line reading after messing up like that. Phil laughed a little, tossing the script aside.

 

“So, how was your morning” Max asked, standing from the bench. Phil’s face turned hot and numb, no attempt to make eye contact whatsoever. He wanted to roll his eyes, Max knew how his morning had gone, it was when they were.. Texting. Oh god, think about Dan, think about Dan.

 

“It was good, but you know that” Phil threw out there, something Max sort of wasn’t expecting since Phil wasn’t one to acknowledge when they did those kinds of things. He raised an eyebrow slightly, coming closer.

 

“Yeah, i do, or at least i think so. It’s safe to assume you had a great morning?” Max said, stepping closer and leaning an elbow on the wall behind Phil to get even closer.

 

“I had a  _ wonderfu _ l morning” Phil said looking right in Max’s eyes. Max took one last step closer, one leg between Phil’s and the other on the outside. Shit, think about Dan, nothing but Dan. Phil’s body was on fire, that was obvious, but what struck him sinful was that his mind was on fire, his heart was on fire. It was almost like the fact that he knew it was wrong made it feel all the better. 

 

Max pushed his left leg a little closer in and up, just enough to barely brush against Phil’s crotch, the touch so light is sent a shock straight up his body. Fuck this isn’t okay think about Dan Dandandanda-

 

A sudden sound ripped the two further apart making the situation more innocent then Phil would admit he wanted it to be, but a sudden realization that it was the sound of Dan calling him had Phil feeling sick to the stomach. He slipped away and over to the other side of the room, neck still burning as he answered the phone, no words for Max.

 

“H-Hey Dan” Phil said, clearing his throat a little after stuttering. 

 

“Hey, are you doing okay?” Dan asked, sounding worried.

 

“Yeah, why?” Phil questioned, his heart thumping faster then it ever had.

 

“Oh no reason, you just left so early and so quick this morning, i don’t know.. Is everything okay between us?” he asked, leaving Phil feeling empty.

 

“Of course! I only left since i’d completely forgotten to go over my lines so i wanted to do it with someone up here” he said, his cheeks burning knowing Max could hear him very obviously lying to his husband.

 

“Oh okay, i’m sorry i don’t know why i’m being like that. I just wanna make sure we’re good.” 

 

“Yeah totally. I love you so much Dan” Phil said, those words tasting much more bitter in his mouth then they used to.

 

“I love you to. I’m gonna let you go i have a video to film today then i think i’m having lunch with my family later this afternoon.”

 

“Do you want me to leave early and come with?” Phil asked, hoping it was a no.

 

“No it’s fine, you stay there you have a lot to get done, i can handle them as much of a headache as they can be. I’ll text you later, love you”

 

“Love you” Phil said, hanging up the phone. There was a moment of silence left in the air after Dan hung up the phone, both him and Max trying to find the words, but there was no time for that since there was some knocking on the door signaling it was time to start filming.

 

Filming was tense, mostly since Phil didn’t have a lot of scenes this particular day which was hell for him cause that meant mostly just sitting out either with Max or left to watch him in action, he didn’t know which one was worse for his mental health but this was for sure destroying him. He took the time to himself to really think for a second, was he okay with this?

 

The obvious and quick answer was no, because how could he be okay with his no one could be okay with this because of Dan, it was all because of Dan, but it seemed like when he got in certain situations he suddenly couldn’t think of Dan anymore, he wondered if that was a good or bad thing, or if it didn’t matter at all. All he knew was it was a dangerous game he was playing here, sitting around acting like nothing he was doing was wrong when it in fact was completely wrong. 

 

The scene was over far too quickly for Phil’s liking since the next was his and Max’s. The show taking a turn for the ‘it’s actually just two guys in love’ turn really wasn’t helping Phil out right now, but he got up and decided to make an effort. This whole acting thing was something he’d fallen in love with truly, so he didn’t want his dumbass to mess it up for him, as confusing as things were right now.

 

Phil got up and went over, sitting down on the directed prop behind the set waiting for everyone to get into places. He took a deep breath, one to last. Action. 

 

Max continued the last scene they’d just filmed, on the pretend phone answering someone that the audience would only hear after they edited it in. Phil waited anxiously before he was queued in, rushing his way out of the kitchen and into the living room.

 

“Don’t listen to her, Alex!” Phil yelled, walking over and taking the phone out of Max’s hand. “Plus, that doesn’t make sense. I’m mad because of one thing and one thing only, don’t try and turn this around on me”

 

“You were listening to us?” Max asked before Phil hit him on the shoulder comically timed. “Okay Fine! Your mad, I know, but do you even have a right to be? It’s my life and as a best friend i really expected you to be more supportive of me”

 

“I usually am but Jessica? Come on nothing about that is right.”

 

“Nothing about it has to be right”

 

“If that statement was really true my life would be a whole lot different”

 

“What do you even mean about that”

 

“I- forget it”

 

“No wait! Lucas I wanna know the truth. Why do you have such a problem with me and Jessica together, she’s a nice girl and we all already hang out with her an-”

 

“Because i like you, you idiot!” Phil yelled, but then his stomach did a twist. Phil could keep it together, he was really good at this, but something about what he was saying just didn’t seem quite right.

 

“I like you! How many hints to i have to give before you get a clue, i’ve always been in love with you, not Quinn! It’s always been you Alex.” Phil said, the feeling getting worse. He was staring into Max’s eyes, confessing his love, and all he could feel was nausea. It was at that moment that he learned one of the most important things Phil would ever learn, and it’s that he wasn’t in love with Max.. he didn’t even like Max. This wasn’t a crush, it was sexual attraction, but there was no way his brain was letting him work out what that truly meant at the time.

 

“F-forget it Al, you don’t even get it” Phil said turning and storming out of the room before Max could even attempt to stop him. Scene over.

 

And Phil was glad, he was so glad. He didn’t even look at anyone, he didn’t even think anything, he just walked away. He left as fast as he could, and he wondered if that was giving people the wrong idea, but he didn’t have the energy to care. He made a beeline to his changing room, shutting the door behind him and leaning up against the wall, almost out of breath. What the fuck. So what the hell was all thing bullshit he was doing, if he didn’t like Max in a way as in wanting a relationship with him, why the fuck was he doing this? Why the fuck couldn’t he sleep at night?

 

The door opened, and Phil knew who it was before he even looked up, but when he did he knew he wouldn’t be able to look away. The second Max closed the door behind him Phil moved forward, moving Max and pinning him to the wall near, pressing their lips together.

 

_ “You know i’ve never actually been here” Dan said as they moved up. Phil had a way of knowing Dan was nervous, but it was cute. He smiled a little, looking over to him and showing genuine interest. _

 

_ “Really? I have a few times, i can’t really remember why i think it was just cause it was here, no reason in specific. I remember it being nice though” he said as they moved higher up. He’d never know if taking someone to the Manchester eye for a first date was a cliche, but at the time caring was the last thing to do on his list. The first was to look at Dan’s amazing smile for as long as he could without looking weird. _

 

_ “It is really pretty” Dan said as they moved ever higher up, his eyes on the skyline. Phil smiled, nodding softly. _

 

_ “It is” he said, never once taking his eyes off Dan. Dan looked over and blushed softly, realizing Phil had said that looking at him. Okay so maybe this was super cliche, but damn Dan looked so fucking beautiful to Phil. He wasn’t sure who really initiated it, they’d come to a conclusion over the years that it was Dan but it was really more of a join effort, nevertheless they were kissing, and the feeling was magical.  _

 

Phil would never forget that first kiss. It was more then magical, the second they’d touched instant fireworks.

 

But the second Phil’s lips met with Max’s..

Fire. Deep raging fire on his skin, in his chest, everywhere.

 

Before, the closer he’d gotten to doing this Dan was so far out of his mind it was like he didn’t exist, but now that it was happening Dan was suddenly all that he could think of. 

 

Phil pushed deeper, slipping his tongue within the kiss, the two of them quietly moaning in agreement that it was sinful and awful but it felt fucking amazing. Not so innocent anymore.

 

Phil had, had sex with Dan many times, more then he could count, but there was something so different about this time. It wasn’t slow and passionate, it was heated and messy and dirty.

 

Max wrapped his arms around Phil, deepening the kiss and only breaking it to rip shirts off in almost anger. Finger tips ran up Phil’s back lightly making him shiver, every inch of skin burning after it was being touched. Phil ripped his mouth from Max’s and moved to his neck, biting relentlessly making Max choke and gasp in surprise, his hands sneaking down and undoing Phil’s belt. Tugging and pulling then finally getting the belt off, then pulling them down as much as he could, not even zipping them down first.

 

Phil was just as eager, more even. He slipped his hand down brushing it up against the hard on in Max’s jeans.

 

“Fuck” Max breathed out, hurrying to get his jeans off as Phil pulled his more down, but not off. It made his head spin with sin, like there was no time for anything but pure pleasure. Once pants were down far enough both men wasted no time pulling underwear down far enough to meet the pants around the ankles. 

 

Things were moving fast, so fast, and the Dan that was once out of sight out of mind was even more in his head then Max was. It didn’t stop him, not in the slightest, it made him go faster and rougher. Phil pushed Max against the wall and held him up, Max’s legs wrapping around Phil. There was no ‘lemme grab a condom’ or ‘get the lube’. There was no care, care for themselves or care for hurting cause Phil was already hurting in his own way. It was fast and needy, and the second Phil pushed inside him his head spun. 

 

The thrusts were slow paced at first, Max wincing and gasping softly, being fucked so slowly by Phil drove him crazy. Phil slowly picked up the pace, moans catching in their throats in fear of letting them out too loud. It got faster and rougher. Max grabbed onto Phil tighter, clinging to him as if his life depended on it. Every thrust was rougher and harder, making the wall shake at one point. Phil’s entire body was on fire, he couldn’t think of anything correctly besides the one sentence that kept playing in his ear over and over again, never letting up.

 

_ You’re inside someone that isn’t Dan. You’re making love to-  no that’s not right. You’re fucking someone that isn’t Dan. _

 

Fuck. Phil’s vision went blurry so much so he even felt a headache coming on, but nothing could distract from the intense pleasure he felt, every thrust feeling like a surge of electricity running through his body at full force. Max was making all kinds of noises, but Phil didn’t hear that, all he heard was his heartbeating in his ears at maximum volume. He saw Dan, that cute smile, that cute laugh. He only got faster and harder until he couldn’t feel or see anything but white, strangled noises coming out of both of them as they came pretty close together in time. 

 

Slowly the world came back to him, staring face to face with a mostly naked sweaty person he once called a friend. A friend he’d had dinner with along with Dan, the husband he had waiting for him back at home. 

 

_ he was broken. _

 

Phil grunted softly while pulling out of him, none of the secret lovers making an attempt to talk or really make eye contact as the mess was cleaned up and clothes were put back on. This was less awkward then last time, and that hurt Phil. He was getting used to it.

 

They left the room at different times, both returning to the crowd outside until the time of being at the studio was over.

 

Taxi drive, coming home, same old story, completely different person.

 

Phil came home, Dan didn’t suspect a thing and instead told him about the lunch he had with his parents and other family members, Phil listened as much as he could but felt distant and empty inside. He wanted to hate himself, he really did, but why did it set every inch of him on fire even worse then actually having sex with Max just knowing Dan had no clue at all. He’d just returned home after having sex with another human being and Dan didn’t know. 

 

Phil was broken.

 

He returned to bed with Dan that night, it was the least he could do. He had no trouble sleeping, it was obvious why. He even curled up right next to Dan and fell into a deep sleep. This was something he did now, someone he was now. Was it a ‘no point in fighting it’ kinda situation, or just a ‘too tired to pretend i care’. Who knows, all Phil knew was that he had a secret, a secret that was all his. Most people had secrets, whether it was a secret hobby or a secret favorite song, but Phil’s secret had a name, and what Phil would soon find out was his secrets name didn’t start with an M.


	4. Guide to Finding Sanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil realizes he's broken and thrives to feel in love with Dan like he was when they met, but he still feels an furious itch and it won't go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehheh i'm kind of an asshole for not updating. Okay in all fairness i had writers block for like ever, and the second it went away my computer charger broke at the beginning of September, finally got one and now my computer is back. I got some serious inspiration which is hard to imagine since this chapter kinda sucks ass lmao, but i'm getting back into the swing of things.
> 
> The next one will be a lot better promise. Also holy shit the comments on this are nice as fuck, thank you guyss. These aren't perfect obvs but i really hope people like you guys like this and there will be more to come.
> 
> Also here's this playlist i made for the fanfic might update idk : https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/4GpTjzaxCC8q1kphRaARNm

No one ever tells you how hard certain things in life would be. Sure, a class in school might tell you how to manage your money so your rent gets paid on time and credit remains good, but they’ll never tell you how to deal with something like this. They never say what to do when you realize you’re in love with someone, do you tell them? They never say what to do when you move in with someone you love, or when you promise them you’d always be by there side for now and the rest of both of their lives. What they really never say is what to do when you throw all that out the window and end up waking up in the bed of a co worker where you work for a comedy TV show chasing some acting dream you had when you were in your 20’s and doing sort of things that some therapists would describe as living in the past, and Phil wished they did cause knowing what to do in these situations would surely save him. 

 

Phil looked down, the sounds of Max and Violet doing a scene together as characters dating in the show still. He let his eyes focus in on his shoes, thinking hard about all the reasons that got him to this point and all the things that kept him here. You could’ve asked him 2 weeks ago and he would’ve had a million reasons as to why he loved this point in his time and loved his job, but now he couldn’t think of a single reason as to why he did what he did, he just didn’t stop doing it, so what did that say about him.

 

“Alright stop, stop” Wendy said waving her head, her eyebrows knitted looking frustrated. Weeks ago Phil would've never noticed this, but now the little things was all he could notice.

 

“Let’s just.. Pick this up tomorrow” Wendy said standing and grabbing some papers to shuffle through them. Phil sighed then started walking over, thinking he could just go home. He hadn’t done much working today but he stayed around to help with things on set as much as he could, just out of a respect thing.

 

“Hey” Max said, sneaking up from behind Phil making him jump a little, laughing. He didn’t like this, acting like a cute stupid couple. Max grinned and continued walking with him. 

 

“So I got a little present for you” Max said, digging in his pocket and handing out a key towards Phil making him slow to a stop in his track.

 

“A key?” Phil questioned, the object peeking his interest. Max grinned and winked.

 

“To my apartment. Thought it’d make this all a little.. easier.” Max said making a odd feeling sink deep into Phil. It was hard to describe, there was a horrible guilt mixed with excitement, both feelings giving him the same burning feeling he couldn’t seem to shake. 

 

“How nice of you.” Phil said with a grin, taking the key from him then slipping it in his pocket. He made a mental note to try and use that tonight. 

 

“You coming over tonight or should we just, go home together?” Max asked as they went to Phil’s dressing room, getting ready to leave. 

 

“Me and Dan have plans tonight. Plus, i want to go home” he said. It was a lie, everything about it was and he knew Max knew, but he nodded and took it as if it were the truth. It was exciting to be with Max, dangerous but exciting. The heat was real, existing inside Phil more then between him and Max. He got to leave his home of comfort and warmth to find danger and much more with somebody, a secret from everything he knew for hours everyday. Then it was over. He’d live all the living he neede to, then he’d leave, take a cab and go into his home where his perfect life was there waiting for him.

 

The smell inside his flat felt like home, comfort. It wasn’t any specific smell, it just smelled like.. warm. It was one of those things that were hard to explain, and it seemed he was running into situations like those quite often, more then he wished. Things were tense, Dan was working really hard on a video he was planning on doing recently. He wasn’t even at the table during dinner, and though he had no right to be upset he was. This comfort with Dan was the only thing keeping him sane, but now that was gone at least for the night it was. How selfish was that.

 

He hated this, he hated himself and how he was acting. He was too calm for this, why wasn’t he freaking out or feeling horribly guilty. Why did it feel like nothing at all.

 

He finished dinner and went to his shared bedroom, it was empty, dark and the coldest room in the house. He sat on the bed and thought a moment before deciding. Maybe this was okay, maybe it didn’t matter he was doing this. It made him feel something, and if that was selfish then so the fuck what. There was only one problem, Dan was still awake. 

 

He stood then went over to their office where gaming videos were, to see Dan who was working on editing only a little part of the video he’d filmed. Dan had gotten pretty intense about doing Youtube now that Phil didn’t really do it anymore, he felt pretty bad about all the fans that felt like they were pretty abandoned, so their gaming videos were mostly just Dan now which made people sad but thankful they were getting videos at all anymore. Phil appreciated what he was doing, but right now not so much. 

 

“Hey Dan, it’s pretty late don’t you think you should get some sleep?” Phil asked tilting his head to the side. He wanted the request to seem innocent and god he was such an awful person but he couldn’t think or leave the house without Dan questioning him. Dan glanced up and sighed. 

 

“I doubt that’ll be easy. I’ve barely even started making this one, and i need to upload by tomorrow so i gotta finish this as soon as i can. You can go ahead and go to bed without me, it’s fine.” He said grinning at him then blowing a kiss towards him. Phil stood there a little shocked at what he was saying. It wasn’t weird that Dan was doing this by any means, but he was just confused as to what he was going to do.

 

“Oh.. are you sure Dan? Its uh, really late” Phil said, trying once more not knowing what else he could really do. 

 

“Yup, it’s gonna be a long night but if i don’t do it there won’t be a video tomorrow and fans will freak. They’re already so upset about you not being in the last gaming video again, but don’t sweat it they love your show” He said and Phil nodded mindlessly. After a few goodbyes Phil turned and went back into their bedroom turning on the lights and laying on the mattress.

 

_ “This is gonna suck” Phil admitted, putting a hand on his neck. Dan nodded. _

 

_ “Yeah, suck is an understatement” Dan said agreeing as they hugged for probably the millionth time. Phil loved getting to see them, watching the cute brown haired boy get off the train looking around for Phil was something that’d never get old, but watching him get on the train was something he wasn’t exactly fond of. _

 

_ Their weekend had been awesome, staying together doing stuff like always, it just didn’t seem fair that it had to end. There was a rushing sound, some wind blowing and the train pulling up making a comforting swooshing sound that Phil swore he could fall asleep to dreaming of finding Dan at the station and never letting him go, but this time around it just gave him a feeling of dread. _

 

_ “Crap. Trains here” Dan said, though it was an obvious thing he felt it needed to be pointed out. They took the time they had to look at each other, and though it was complete silence Phil felt as if he was having the most touching and understanding conversation with Dan that he’d ever had before, and he never wanted it to end.  _

 

_ “I love you” Phil said, well blurted almost. Dan’s eyes widened, his cheeks pink and his brain rambling and fuck, Phil wished he had a perfect formula to making sentences that got those reactions out of Dan, they killed him as much as they kept him alive. There were tears, of course there were tears. They hadn’t even left Dan’s eyes yet but Phil already felt his hand wanting to move up and help wipe them away. _

 

_ “I love you too” Dan said, their lips meeting in a way that felt all too familiar. It was over too soon, the warmth left Phil’s side and he wanted to run after Dan, get on the train with him and convince him that staying together forever was the best idea, that they’d work things out because if he had to spend one more second away from him his chest would ache forever, but he stayed. He smiled and watched Dan leave, pretending it was okay but he knew it was killing him.  _

 

_ He went back home, survived the rest of the day until getting to his bed as quickly as he could, getting on his computer and on Skype only to find out Dan wasn’t online, probably tired from the big day and already sound asleep. Phil sighed, laying his head back on the bed and staring at the ceiling deciding this bed was far too big just for him. He thought about Dan and how he’d kill to be around him. He hadn’t gotten a chance to really think about it, but he stood by what he said now more then ever. He was in love with Dan, nothing could change that.  _

 

Phil thought of the memory, reminding himself of how it felt like it was millions of years ago, or almost like it was a dream instead of a memory. He stared at the ceiling deciding the bed was far too big without Dan. He thought about Max and compared it to the memory he thought of before, shaking his head. Max wasn’t beautiful or breathtaking, he didn’t change his life and Phil didn’t want to be with him forever. He didn’t have big brown eyes Phil would get lost in for all of eternity, he wasn’t his perfect husband, but he was here. Except he wasn’t and that was the problem. He hated it, and didn’t get why he couldn’t just be happy with the seemingly perfect life he had.

 

He grabbed his phone and pulled up Youtube, quickly going to his page and sticking his headphones in, playing an old video of his from 2013. He was young, and that was surely something to miss, but it wasn’t just the smooth skin or the easygoing body he missed, it was the mind and the life. A part of him wondered where it all went wrong and why things didn’t feel the same between him and Dan anymore, or was it just him? His eyes teared up, thinking about that first weekend with Dan all the way up to the last weekend he had to spend with him without actually living with Dan. He ripped the headphones out and tossed his phones at the videos he was watching were practically torture. He looked over seeing light shine through the hallway reminding him Dan was still awake. 

 

He shook his head. So maybe he didn’t need to cheat. Maybe he could be happy with everything he had right no and that could be the end of it. He sighed and closed his eyes trying to not think of anything, wanting to just fall asleep. 

 

He couldn’t. It felt like he was stuck, like his throat was closing up and his body itched in odd places. He couldn’t stop his brain from working thousands of miles a second and he couldn’t distract himself. He felt queasy, he felt off, he tossed and turned and he decided this wasn’t love, this was an addiction.

 

Suddenly a particularly neglected part of the day everything went to hell, morning actually, was reminded to him and replayed in his head with the utmost detail, now taking place as the thing keeping him up rather then letting him pass out into a thoughtless sleep.

 

_ Phil burst through the door, his hair in a mess. He hated being late to the studio, but he’d stayed up late with Dan the night before bingeing a new anime they’d found previously. Max noticed him from across the room and smiled, walking towards him as Phil walked with speed towards his changing room. _

 

_ “Hey Phil, i’ve been meaning to hang before we started filming but i guess time got away from me.” Max said with a charming smile. Phil waved it off like it was totally no big deal, which it really wasn’t. _

 

_ “It’s totally fine. I only regret never getting to mention how much fun i had that dinner with Dan and Violet.” He said smiling and Max laughed a little at the memory during the break of work. _

 

_ “That was a pretty fun night. No regrets about it” Max said then noticed Phil’s rushed and sort of nervous aura. _

 

_ “You doing okay? You don’t look too good” Max noted in a joking manner. The two were close so jokes like this were a common thing between them. _

 

_ “Got up late, came late. Wendy’s gonna tear my ass out. On the first day of filming too” Phil said running his hand through his hair as Max scoffed and shook his head.  _

 

_ “No way, don’t worry about it. She’s in a good mood today, getting renewed for another season is pretty exciting, especially since that wasn’t exactly a sure thing, turns out the amazing Phil Lester, Youtubes star can’t even fix our shitty ratings” Max jokes, Phil rolling his eyes. _

 

_ “I’m hardly Youtube's star, and our ratings aren’t shitty their just.. Fickle. Either way i’m just glad she’s not in a bad mood” he said with a little sigh of relief. _

 

_ “Yeah no way, in fact i heard from Lenny that there’s gonna be a little, party type thing tonight just for the main cast. You think you're up for it?” Max asked, tilting his head slightly, Phil sighing a bit at that. He was tired, but he wasn’t gonna lie it sounded kinda fun. _

 

_ “A party, huh? Not gonna lie that sounds kinda fun.” Phil says ducking into the bathroom for a second and coming out with his costume for filming on.  _

 

_ “Yup, there’s gonna be champagne and everything. I’m gonna be there” Max said with a grin and Phil couldn’t help but smile.  _

 

_ “Guess i have no choice but to stay around for it.” _

 

What a fucking cliche this all was, was there anyway to avoid it being one? Dan and Phil are sickeningly in love. Phil gets ‘bored’ with youtube and Dan, cheats on him with Max, a guy apart of his new job symbolizing him throwing his past away. Dan finds out, freaks out and Phil ends up sad and alone learning some amazing life lesson while Dan finds happiness elsewhere.

 

Not this time. None of that would happen in their story, why? Dan was never gonna find out.

 

Phil fell asleep hours before Dan ever came to bed.


	5. Villains Love Grey Areas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The more he fucks the more fucked he is. Simple enough?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took me actually forever to write what the hell. writing a smut scene so angry and unloving isn't really the thing i'm used to doing sooooo it was kinda new for me, hope it wasn't shit.
> 
> oh yeah WARNING SMUT also cheating (duh) and angry broken phil :c
> 
> Here's yerr playlist that i tried to update but didn't woops. LISTEN TO THIS with the story if you haven't already it makes it a million times better:  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/4GpTjzaxCC8q1kphRaARNm?si=aDjyxWr3Q4WEDVnEnaKgPg

**Villains Love Grey Areas**

 

_“Fuck”._

 

The only word in the English dictionary that can be hurtful, sinful, shocking yet full of emotion all at the same time. It could carry no feeling in the world but at the same time carry the world on its shoulders in the form of years of emotions from hurtful pasts filled with heartbreak, daddy issues, depression, or more. It could mean nothing and everything all at once, and ironically at the time, it was the only word that Phil could mutter.

 

The room was hot, the air was thick making it hard to breathe, Phil was sure there was a damn humidifier or something cause he was melting away by the second. A gasp came from the being below him known as Max, eyes rolling to the back of his head cause ‘Phil was just that good’. There was no overwhelming emotion making Phil tear up. There wasn’t deep emotion making him claw at Max angrily like fucking his brains out was the only thing he could do to him without killing him. All there was, was the one thing Phil could always rely on, even when the emotionless depression pit he was drowning in took all his feelings away like a heart-hating Grinch, his basic human needs. So maybe he’s been unable to cry for the past few days cause why in the hell would he want to fall down that pit, but he sure got hungry or thirsty or had to shit, and along with all that he surely got horny.

 

He looked down at Max who was below him, sort of since they were in either a Janitor's closet or a tiny ass storage room and were now crammed diagonally in the little ‘room’ making mostly every part of his body hurt but at least he was feeling something, right? Max seemed to be enjoying himself almost as much as Phil found himself with Dan, that thought hurt. He gathered his energy long enough to grip onto Max and push deep into him once again, now thrusting as quickly as he could. He bit his lip hard, letting his head drop back and letting the sinful word leave his lips once more.

 

“Fuck” He practically stuttered out, not trying to move so drastically cause there were other things in this closet that’d make quite a noise if they knocked it over while doing this, then everyone would know. Oh yeah, Phil had almost forgotten he was at work, and it wasn’t even the end of the day. Hell, that hadn’t even started filming yet once today, and Phil couldn’t even make it through one scene without pushing Max into the closest closet it could find just so he could have a taste of something forbidden.

 

Max leaned in forward as Phil picked up speed once more, connecting his lips to Phil’s neck. He cursed to himself knowing he had to stop him. “D-don’t” he managed. It was low enough to be covered by a shirt, but they’d discussed beforehand that his and Dan’s anniversary was tomorrow.

 

Okay so maybe it was horribly depressing to have to plan when you’re gonna have sex with someone while being married to them without even having kids, but that’s just where he and Dan were at, at the point in their relationship, and the truth was Dan had done nothing wrong. Was Phil planning on telling him about this? No way, but the last thing he was gonna do was blow the chance of them being able to be together on their anniversary just cause Max got caught up in the moment.

 

Man, he was really fucking things up, wasn’t he?

 

“Oh god... Fuck! Phil I’m g-gonna” Max breathed out, his hot breath making Phil feel even more suffocated in the intense heat, but picked up his speed final time. Every muscle in him tightened and clenched, his head tossing back as he came inside Max so hard it almost hurt.

 

Not almost. It definitely hurt.

 

There was panting. Phil couldn’t breathe. He got dressed as quickly as he could and made sure the coast was clear before darting out of the closet and back into his changing room without even remembering to make eye contact with Max again let alone talk to him.

 

He could tell things were changing between him and Max, ironically. They didn’t even seem like friends anymore, and he could tell it was hurting Max but he acted as if he didn’t notice. Truth was Max assumed this was some cheesy romance novel where Phil the shy yet not-so-innocent boy falls in love with his seemingly also-but-also-not-so-innocent friend from work and ends up ditching his super douchey and controlling boyfriend or husband to be with Max, his long-lost soulmate after all. Nope, it wasn’t even sort of like that.

 

He sighed looking out the window then walking over to it, fiddling with it and finally getting it to open by unlocking some latches and pushing it up with unnecessary amounts of force just to get some real fresh air cause it still felt like he couldn’t really breath.

 

He took a minute in the bathroom dressing into his costume for filming before leaving the room and seeing Max from across the hall, smiling at him lovingly. Phil felt a hot ball of guilt destroy him from the inside out seeing how happy Max looked. He couldn’t even tell himself it wasn’t there.

 

There was a light in Max’s eyes that Phil couldn’t miss even if he tried. It sparkled and twisted like innocence with a dash of evil. Max wasn’t just doing this to spite someone or hurt someone. Max was doing this because he really cared about Phil. As to why Phil was doing it... Well, he couldn’t even begin to think of an answer.

 

“Alright come on guys! We’re losing daylight.” Wendy called from way down the hall near the set, and both Phil and Max made their way over to the rest of the crew to start filming.

 

-

 

After Phil got home from the studio he sensed something wrong in the apartment. He looked around then finally went into their bedroom and found Dan sleeping. He couldn’t help but smile, it wasn’t exactly late but after knowing Dan barely got any sleep the night before it makes sense he was already asleep. He leaned down and pressed a small kiss to Dan’s forehead making him stir in his sleep but never get up.

 

Phil stepped out of the room than thought for a moment before going into the living room, grabbing his laptop off the couch and opened it up. He hesitated then ending up going to his youtube channel page and stared at it for what seemed like forever, his eyes glancing over the fact that his last video was 4 months ago, and that was recent for him. You didn’t even have to scroll down on his list of videos to get to 2 years ago, that hurt a little. He clicked on his latest video and scrolled through the comments curiously. All of them were talking about how much they missed Phil, it wasn’t even angry comments it was just people saying they missed him.

 

It sort of broke Phil’s heart seeing how much people cared about him. He loved how supportive they all were now, but it wasn’t always like that.

 

_Dan turned towards Phil with a little-concerned frown._

 

_“Wait, you're not really thinking of taking it are you?” He asked feeling a little shocked at the idea. Phil had just jokingly told Dan that he’d gotten a request to be on a new tv show. He’d been getting requests ever since his channel reached 7 million which was a huge thing, especially since he’d surpassed Dan, not that it really mattered._

 

_Phil shrugged and looked away. He knew Dan was gonna get upset about this, and it’s not like he was thinking of throwing caution out the window and becoming an actor, but it was just something he’d had on his mind._

 

_“It’s just something I was considering” Phil admitted putting a hand on his neck and standing from the couch._

 

_“Phil I mean.. sure being an actor is a fun idea but we’re youtubers,” he said and Phil couldn’t help but get a little mad at it. Sure he was a youtuber, and he loved it, but he didn’t have to keep doing it just cause Dan still did it._

 

_“Well, maybe I don’t always want to be a youtuber. I’m 32, maybe I’m getting too old for this kinda stuff.” Phil said scoffing and crossing his arms._

 

_“Are you serious? Phil, you can’t just throw it all away, I thought we did this together.” Dan said standing up looking like he couldn’t believe this._

 

_“Dan just because you're still doing it doesn’t mean I have to. I’m my own person, I didn’t sign some binding contract saying I have to do youtube for the rest of my damn life” Phil practically yelled, turning away._

 

_“Of course not but... It would kill me. I’m not trying to guilt you into this, I just feel like it would change.. everything. We’re Dan and Phil, I can’t believe you’d throw all that away” he said honestly, sitting back down on the couch. Great, now Phil felt awful._

 

_“Dan I’d never just throw it all away. Who says I can’t do both, I’ve heard hours as an actor are practically as relaxed as youtube. I’m not saying I’m gonna take it, but if I do nothing would have to change. If anything the fans would probably be happy getting to see even more of me, just on TV instead of on the computer.” Phil said and Dan sighed, nodding then standing and going over to Phil._

 

_“You’re right, I don’t know why I’m freaking out. Nothing would have to change, I just got freaked out a little. It feels like things are changing a lot right now, the last thing I need is things between us changing” Dan said. Phil pulled back from the hug then smiled at him lovingly._

 

_“Dan, nothing’s gonna change between us. I’ll love you forever. Now and forever”_

 

Phil likes to remind himself he actually thought once that his Youtube life wouldn’t change once he started acting, it was almost comical. He sighed then closed his laptop and tossed it aside, thinking about this kinda stuff was gonna kill him.

 

Dan was right, things had changed. They’d changed so much he felt like he was a stranger in his own life. Thinking about how united they’d been before, it was the first thing that’d put his mind at ease since what he did with Max, so much so he felt calm enough to go to the bedroom and climb in next to his sleeping husband.

 

He rolled over and faced the sleeping Dan. The love of his life and he’d been so busy ruining it all. He sighed then closed his eyes, thinking if he could fall asleep without thinking of some way to feel emotions then he should take the opportunity now before it was gone. He sighed heavily then slipped into a deep and for once dreamless sleep.

 

-

 

“Phil”

 

Some stirring.

 

“Psst, Phil wake up,” Dan said. Phil’s eyes opened, blinking often, his blurry vision focusing right on Dan, leaning over him. He smiled weakly then sat up a little noticing there was a tray of breakfast in Dan’s hand.

 

“Did you make me this?” Phil asks in surprise, looking at the stack of thin pancakes with syrup and butter.

 

“Happy anniversary,” Dan said, leaning in and kissing Phil.

 

Damn, Phil had almost forgotten it was their anniversary today. He was glad it was, after a little thinking last night and not sneaking out Phil was beginning to think maybe, just maybe, he didn’t have to keep cheating and things with him and Dan could be normal. Still, he couldn’t help but feel terribly guilty about this seeing as he was still currently cheating and Dan had done all this for him.

 

“Oh my god I can’t believe you did all this,” he said smiling widely then trying a bite of his pancakes.

 

“Do you like them?” Dan asked.

 

“Terrifyingly perfect”

 

-

 

The rest of the day wasn’t exactly spectacular, after 11 long years together, anniversaries weren’t a huge thing, besides last year since it was the 10th.

 

That night, however, Dan and Phil had gone to a restaurant together. It’d been a while since they’d done this, dressed all up nicely and went out. It was a very traditional thing to do, but it felt nice and classy. Even though the romance could be faltering at some points, they could still put all that side, slap on some suits and paint the town with their love.

 

Of course, there’d be no ‘putting it aside’ if Dan knew the truth, the real raw truth.

 

Maybe it was selfish but Phil wanted to forget that forever, today was about Dan and no one else but Dan, he needed to do him the least and enjoy that.

 

They arrived at the restaurant in a cab, stepping out and going in. The place had a few chandeliers places over the clothed tables with placemats on them, it was sort of intimidating while being beautiful at the same time. Soft music was playing in the back, calming him a touch. A waitress with her hair tied up in a nice looking uniform walked over and started talking to the two.

 

“Excuse me? We have a reservation for 8:00?” Phil spoke up, the waitress smiling at them and going to the little touchpad at the front, going through reservations they had booked for then. Phil looked around and thanked they’d gone as far as getting a reservation, cause it looked like there was well over 4 couples waiting in the packed restaurant and they would’ve had to wait a while.

 

“Last name?” The woman asked, confirming his suspicion of there being more than one person who’d decided to make reservations at this time. Phil smiled in time to respond.

 

“Lester” He answered, taking Dan’s hand in his who was standing next to him as she checked the reservations then smiled, saying something along the lines of ‘come this way’ and leading them further into the fancy restaurant and toward their table. It was a beautiful spot he’d gotten, in a room for what he assumed were only reservation tables since it was such a nice area, and right next to a window as well which he knew Dan liked.

 

“Thank you” Dan thanked the waitress before she left, both Dan and Phil sitting down at this table and smiling at each other.

 

“This is wonderful Phil, I’m so glad we did this” Dan said in awe, it was always heartwarming seeing Dan react to Phil’s dates when he got to plan them, he always did go all out when he could, if anything this was tame for what history showed.

 

“Me too, you look amazing by the way,” Phil said, seeing as he’d forgotten to compliment Dan’s outfit and look back at the flat. Dan blushed and thanked them before a waiter came by, different to the waitress who’d lead them to the table. He knew they were coming by cause they’d paid for this table as well as planning on paying for the food, but it was sort of annoying having a waiter so close so often since he was looking forward on having some alone time with Dan, it’d already been really therapeutic to his mental state with everything that’d been going on

 

They ordered drinks, keeping it simple since getting drunk wasn’t exactly a thing they did often, not since their early twenties anyways. They continued the conversation.

 

“So anyways, the collar broke and started shocking her over and over, we went through all her turns just trying to make up for all the penalties” Dan went on in what he’d been talking about, laughing his adorable laugh, talking about a recent collab he’d done with youtubers Hazel, Tomska, and dodie. Phil felt a little guilty Dan was having to tell him about it since at the least Phil usually watched them even if it was a while after being released.

 

“That’s so funny, aw I wish I could’ve been there,” Phil said and Dan smiled, still laughing a little.

 

“They all missed you. The fans love the video, almost every comment I saw was saying how good the video would’ve been if you’d been in it. They all really miss you Phil” Dan insisted, making Phil sigh a little. He knew even if Dan didn’t mean to, he really did guilt Phil a lot when it came to Youtube. It makes sense, it wasn’t exactly like Dan was happy he’d left, in fact, he was almost confident Dan was more upset he wasn’t on Youtube then the fans were, which was saying a lot.

 

“I know. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it too” Phil admitted, putting a hand on his neck as he watched Dan’s eyes light up.

 

“Then come back! They’d be so happy, we could do pinof again this year. We’ve still never missed one, we can still keep that tradition, and what a way to get back in the game then a new pinof” Dan said, looking like an excited little kid. Phil sighed looking a little uncomfortable, not sure what to say, and noticing it Dan’s expression dropped.

 

“Well only if you want, of course, but hey we can talk about all that stuff later, this nights just for us,” Dan said, changing the topic obviously for Phil, making him smile gratefully. He knew Dan was upset about Phil not being on Youtube, but if he couldn’t even fully commit to Dan right now, he knew without a doubt Youtube was out of the question.

 

The night went on just like this, eventually the waiter came back and they ordered food then ate, talking about memories between them which saddened and warmed Phil’s heart all at once. He loved how simple this was, there didn’t have to be anything but love during this, and it reminded Phil how lucky he was to have Dan, though he didn’t exactly very obviously appreciated it most times lately.

 

When it was all over, Phil paid for dinner, though they shared a bank account, and they kissed lovingly before making their way out of the restaurant.

 

“That place was amazing,” Dan said like he had many times while they were there, but Phil only smiled at the remark as if it were the first time he’d said it.

 

“It was,” Phil said, a little laugh in there somewhere.

 

“I’m serious, the food was everything. We have to go back sometime. Maybe for your birthday”, Dan suggested, Phil, nodding a bit cause, to be honest, he wouldn’t mind going there again

 

Phil put his arm around Dan and felt him melt into the warmth as the two of them continued to walk around under the starry sky. Dan was home to him, and he was loving every second of it at the moment.

 

When they got home and went through the door, the two of them shared another kiss. It was special like this, he knew no one could see the two of them, it was like a secret they had from the world, something loving rather than a dirty secret from someone he loved. How fucked up he was, but again he couldn’t think about that right now.

 

Few words are spoken, but for once love is in the air and they let the feelings do all the talking. The two of them drifted to the bedroom on instinct, Phil filled with a warmth he sometimes feared he’d never feel again but here it was. Phil watched Dan fall onto the bed then copied his movements, wanting to share and spread this feeling for as long as possible.

 

“There’s a magic in these moments” Dan spoke, his voice low and calm, even, you could say. Phil nodded, wordlessly agreeing with him. The room was dim, there was a small light coming from the computer facing the wall on the other side of the room, so Phil could see Dan in the low glow, but other than that the rest of the world was too dark to focus on.

 

Save me, Phil pleaded.

 

Phil ran his fingers through Dan’s hair, watching him close his eyes and hum softly at the feeling. He leans down and presses his lips to Dan’s once more, breathing in his love as Dan did the same. There was more pressure into this one, more excitement. Phil pulled back from the kiss to push his shirt up and off and saw a look flash across Dan he hadn’t seen in a while.

 

Dan sat up slightly, taking his own shirt off as well as the two connected all over again, kissing with more hunger and lust than before. The kiss grew deeper, their tongues swirling together, a small fight for dominance that despite the fight put up by Dan, Phil ended up winning. They sat up a bit, finding some balance as Phil paused the kissing to take his jeans off before focusing on Dan, him laying down for just a moment to attempt taking them off. The couple broke into a soft laugh at how long it was taking to take Dan’s unreasonably skinny jeans off before they finally came off.

 

Sitting up again, Phil grabbed Dan’s waist and crashed their hips together drawing a gaspy moan out of Dan like it was something he hadn’t been expecting. He ground against him for a moment, biting his lip at the pleasuring ache. There was a pause, and Phil felt himself floating away for just a moment before snapping himself back into action. Focus Lester.

 

Phil moved forward, backing Dan and pushing him down onto the mattress once more, this time Phil falling between Dan’s legs as he ground into him, loving the way Dan tipped his head back and whined. He loved he could still do that to him, it reminded him of the first time they’d ever done anything like that. Phil smirked a bit to himself before leaning forward and near Dan’s neck, letting a warm sigh leave his parted lips.

 

Dan gasped, shivering visibly and gripping harder onto Phil and squirming. Phil couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride, he could do that to him without even touching him, sure the neck was a thing for him, but still. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss there, and watched the dam break on noises for Dan. He’d never been a particularly quiet guy in bed, not that Phil was complaining. All of this dizzy foggy pleasure made it hard to remember why he was currently also cheating on the guy.

 

Phil slipped his hand down and grabbed Dan, feeling his hard cock through his underwear and biting his lip while watching Dan thrust his hips forward, trying to follow the hand and the electricity-like feeling of the small touches they were offering each other.

 

“Nng” Dan whined and squirmed and Phil could tell by the look on Dan’s face that he shouldn’t waste time here. It had been a while for Dan, to be fair. The idea that it’d only been a few hours for him made a new sensation burn, but it wasn’t guilt, it was a raw shot of pleasure that ran through his body like electricity. That was something he wasn’t exactly expecting to happen, but it fueled him to no end.

 

Phil could almost feel himself take a whole new level of charge, putting his hands to Dan’s shoulders and grinding against him once very roughly dragging noises out of him he was sure he’d almost never heard. Phil yanked Dan’s boxers down then connected their lips gently.

 

“I assume you need..” Phil trailed off softly, his breaths in hot puffs, floating to Dan and dancing over his skin in bubbles of warmth. He gestured to Dan’s lower region, insinuating Dan probably needed to be stretched since as they just expressed over seconds earlier, it’d been a while for Dan.

 

Dan to Phil’s surprise shook his head, connecting their lips before Phil could attempt to ask why. He assumed he knew why but Dan answering only confirmed his suspicions.

 

“Did that this morning” Dan muttered and _fuck._  There it was again. That fucking word. That wonder of why and how he could possibly be cheating on this wonderful human being. He thought about it a lot over the next few minutes and instead of the usual horrible hot painful ball of guilt he felt in his stomach all the feeling went straight to his dick. _Fuck_ indeed.

 

Phil didn’t remember at which part he removed his own boxers but now at this moment they were gone, he was now hovering over Dan and looking into his eyes. He always appreciated this part, the part right before everything really began where Dan and Phil would just gaze into each other's eyes. Things always slowed down here, in reality, they only spent a few seconds of reassuring looking at each other, but time took longer to go by and these few seconds of loving gaze turned into hours and years of adoring the one they were with and the one they were meant for.

 

Every other time before this was his favorite part. It always had been. Not after like most, right before. This little skip in the beat looking for a nod or anything, looking for that glint in each other's eyes of nothing but pure love and respect for their others. Phil was broken, that much he knew, but the second he realized this was no longer his favorite part was the moment he discovered it was his heart that was broken.

 

He didn’t even enjoy it, he didn’t bother slowing down, he just pushed in and let Dan engulf all of him, the warmth and tightness around Phil making his head spin. This was now his favorite part, and he wanted sink in it until he drowned and never came back up for another breath again. He was almost sure there was no longer any white space in his eyes as he gazed at Dan like the animal he was, more importantly, the animal he was becoming. The whine and strain of Dan’s body arching up made Phil want nothing more than to control him.

 

Phil pulled out completely then lined himself up more, aiming straight for Dan’s prostate before pushing in and slamming hard. He looked up to see Dan’s expression change into an overly pleasured one, unexpecting of the sudden shock of such a good feeling. Phil could only lap up every noise and look Dan gave him, feeling nothing but pride from the fact that Phil still knew exactly where to aim and what to touch and press into to make Dan go from red-faced into just straight up unraveled and sobbing with pleasure. This right here, this was now his favorite part for sure.

 

What now confused and clouded Phil up was the intense love Dan showed for him, and how it hurt so badly to attempt and return that affection, but he wasn’t about to ruin this for Dan, he wanted him to feel everything.

 

Phil set himself at a pace and pressed further into Dan. He felt his eyes close as Dan gasped and grabbed the sheets, squeezing and tugging at them in his hands. Phil was twisted, and every time he did this no matter who it as just twisted him up more and more until he was nothing but a tangled mess in the corner of a room.

 

Phil took a deep breath. He was so in love with Dan, having sex with him was all he needed.

 

_Dan would freak out if he knew that you make Max moan in the same way you’re making Dan moan right now._

 

Phil squeezed his eyes tighter and fisted the sheets in his hands, picking up his pace and pushing harder into Dan.

 

_Imagine if Dan had seen the hickey Max almost left this morning. Tell him right now you fucked someone hard on your anniversary with Dan._

 

Phil grunted and started going faster, his ears were now filled with a high pitched ring that he knew wasn’t real, it was all in his head. All of it was all in his head, just focus on Dan.

 

_Your so scared to think about it. Go on, think about it. Imagine Dan being forced to watch you pleasure someone else. You're just that good, aren’t you?_

 

Go away go away. Phil finally opened his eyes to see a red-faced Dan gasping and moaning Phil’s name, looking so damn fucking beautiful. So fucking beautiful. Dan was perfect.

 

_Which makes you want to ruin it more. It’d all fall apart, so just do it. Tell about the time you rimmed Max and made him come twice. Tell him in detail how you-_

 

“P-Phil I'm close” Dan gasped into his ear and for the first time, Phil felt a strong rush of guilt. He was more into what was playing in his head then the perfect thing he had in front of him.

 

_You fucked Max raw and came into him only this morning._

 

Phil slammed into him once more and Dan came unraveled, cumming in ribbons and loud gasps, his cheeks a shade of red only Phil had ever seen before. Pleasure at its peak and it was all for Phil and only Phil.

 

Wait no that can’t be it.

 

Phil pulled out, the ringing in his ears clearer now and lots more painful. This couldn’t be right. He looked down between Dan’s thighs and saw that he had for sure came. What the fuck. What the absolute fuck.

 

A striking painful headache struck straight through Phil's forehead causing him to almost yelp out in pain. What the fucking fuck this couldn’t be right. Nothing felt okay, he felt so unsatisfied and was so utterly worried about it when Dan continued to talk about how much he loved Phil and how much he loved all the years they’d spent together.  

 

Phil wasn’t listening at all, but let’s be honest here, Phil couldn’t even listen if he tried, because all he could hear was this loud fucking ringing in his years, through his head, vibrations running through his skull to the tips of his toes and it just wouldn’t stop. Here’s the funny thing about it, if you listened real hard to the loud ringing you’d realize it was a voice in Phil’s head saying over and over and over again at how it wasn’t okay, this wasn’t okay and it was never going to be, and once it finally stopped he realized Dan was actually already asleep.

 

Phil was the worst human being in the world, there was no denying that now.

 

He sighed, took a deep breath and let his eyes close, but this wasn’t the end. Phil may be the worst human, but unfortunately, he wasn’t stupid. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to ignore the new feeling spreading through his lower stomach and now his head. It was the urge to run and ruin. It was the urge to take something perfect and precious like a thin homemade vase passed down from generations, and throw it. Throw it right to the ground and watch it bust into a million pieces, and not stop there. Only stop when every single little piece was ground into dust so thin you could sprinkle it in the purest of water and not even notice it in the midst of quenching your thirst.

 

So Phil rolled over and glanced at the satisfied Dan sleeping next to him. There was beauty and a loving soul within all of that, and he was so close to breaking that bright spirit of his because Phil was dirty and bored of life. Nobody asked him to run away from Youtube and his channel with Dan and everything that made them so close and made Phil so happy, and yet he did. Then again no one was asking Phil to run away from Dan the night Dan wants and needs him the most... And yet…

 

It happened in a blur, after letting himself rolled easily from the bed with Dan only casually muttering from the bed and never waking, he put on shoes and better pants then left with keys, not bothering to fix up everything.

 

You could ask Phil years from then and even with all the confirmations that Phil hadn’t been drinking that night at this point, he still can’t recount how the hell he got into the cab. His cold and painful fingers danced across his phone to Max’s contact and sent him a well crafted classy message of him almost begging for a place to stay which he hoped Max easily translated into the second Phil walked in the door he needed him.

 

For some reason, it hadn’t occurred to Phil that Max wasn’t awake, and though he had the key to his place he couldn’t get himself to get into Max’s studio apartment to wake him up and desperately ask him for something that was slowly going to be the end of Max. He knew it was horrible, but the kid was in for a serious hurt, cause Phil was in no way in love with Max. Phil let his lips part and let a huge sight slip through them. Saying there was bag under his eyes was an understatement. His body wasn’t just sitting here begging for sleep, it was begging for home and warmth. More importantly, it was begging for Dan, but the headache ringing through him stopped him from even considering going back inside their apartment, so he found himself at a loss for words when the cab driver asked him ‘where to?’

 

Then Phil said something he never expected him to utter to anyone, let alone a cab driver at 2am the day after his and Dan’s anniversary.

 

“Actually.. drop me off at the Ivy House Pub, will ya?”

 

_Fuck indeed._


End file.
